Dear Mr. Peters,
I am in receipt of your many letters imploring my company Facebook to remove your personal Facebook page. Of course, as you well know, we make it as hard as possible to take down Facebook pages. Remember when you made a mistake creating your first Kenwood Press business page? It’s still annoyingly there for people to find and get confused, right? What a hoot!
I realize you haven’t looked at your personal Facebook page or posted anything in about three years, but I encourage you to become more active. You may not realize this, but we depend on people like you to share personal information with us so we can bombard you with relevant advertising that’s very important to you. It would be sad if you missed out on the many opportunities to buy those shoes you like so much. You can never have too many.
Also, your participation on Facebook makes it more attractive to pass along your data to third parties. For a price, of course!
Let me tell you some of the things you missed while you’ve been gone. You probably don’t realize how many close friends you have. I know this because it says “Friend” right there on the page, so it must be true!
Embarrassing photos from high school and college posted by “Friends” sure to derail your political career? Don’t worry, they’re all there. A great new way to make paella? Yum! Videos of animals doing something cute? You can always find them on your Facebook page! People from your past you hardly knew posting fantastic vacation photos? Available for your perusal to remind you of places you’ll never get a chance to visit.
Politics, politics, politics. It’s all there for you to get into meaningful policy discussion with fellow friends.
Did you know that former and local politicians are your “Friends” and post fascinating content? Makes you feel pretty important I bet. Hey, you agreed to make them Friends during those first giddy Facebook years when you were excited about my company. Not my fault.
On another matter, please stop with the threats, implied or otherwise, that litter your correspondence. If I find out that someone actually defaced the Zuckerberg San Francisco General Hospital sign to say “Suckerberg” or the more profane term you mentioned, I will know where to go.
After all, I know where you live, where you work, your children’s names, your dogs’ names, that you don’t like mashed potatoes, that you collect baseball cards, and that you don’t cut your nails as often as you should (pretty gross, by the way).
Mr. Peters, you should look at your Facebook page more. Not, like, never. What if everyone did that? The world would be less connected and I just can’t have that. So, no, I won’t help you take down your Facebook page. You’ll have to figure it out yourself.
Just remember Facebook’s original credo, “Move fast and break things.” Around the office, we say that now it’s more like things are now broken, and I’m moving fast to avoid testifying in front of yet another bothersome panel of angry politicians. And then we have a good laugh.
Editor & Publisher