Marriage – its reasons and seasons
And so, why marry? Why stand before everyone else in the community to hold hands and say “I do” and “I will?” Well, I can think of at least two very good reasons: because you want the whole world to know you’ve found the right person, and because right now is the right time to do it. This is not just the final conclusion following much deep thought, after which you plan to live happily ever after – it’s a deep, life changing event at the start of a whole new season.Actually, marriage has more than one season – each with its own challenges and promises of triumph. At first there is the heady romance of coming together and becoming “just married,” with all the delightful discoveries of one another’s most mysterious, intimate ways. Then, after a while, there is the learning curve (and the sometimes slippery slope) of building a home together, and often a family as well, in which children are raised to become adults like ourselves, yet so strikingly different. Eventually we come to that final season some call the empty nest, though it really extends the home you have built into strange parts of the world that you never dreamed of, through the exploits of your children and grandchildren.
But of course it’s not easy. There will always be turbulent times, when churning waters must somehow be navigated while hoping to return to a more familiar comfort zone. For those courageous enough, however, there’s another, more dynamic place of dangerous vitality – dangerous, that is, to complacency. Here we are asked to change and grow, reminding one another frequently about the fundamental partnership and companionship that had been agreed upon. This is where marriage is not just an easy retreat from a challenging life, but a place that energizes, galvanizes, and realizes a deeper meaning of life. This way the hard patches that always come will never blindside us, but are approached as an athlete might approach a series of hurdles, developing the skill to master them. Then it can be said: “life is good and hard; it’s good, and it’s hard – and thank you so much for being here with me.”
I often advise holding hands. Holding hands is one of the most significant yet subtle conversations there can be among lovers. Neither hand interrupts nor ignores the other, they simply rest in a companionship where there is always the opportunity for a natural, spontaneous, flowing communication. Taking the other’s hand is always a clear reminder of partnership. I learned this early in my own marriage, when a disagreement had suddenly plunged our conversation into an argument, and Maria took my hand to pull me away from where we had been standing. Then she turned and pointed to where we had been standing to ask, “what are those two fools doing?” I quickly got her point.
There is an exercise I like, in which couples are asked to close their eyes and reach out to hold hands, searching to find and rediscover one another, just as they had when they first met. This handclasp (I tell them, reminding them to keep their eyes closed) is so like their marriage – it’s very real, at this moment it’s all there is, and it feels awkward. And so I suggest they adjust their grip upon one another, and make it more comfortable. As they do, they relax and remember their fundamental affection for one another, despite their current confusion.
And while they have this mutual grip upon one another, I often point out that the other hand is free to move about, to make a fist or to open like a flower. This relationship they have with one another does not “on the other hand” limit their personal freedom; and yet it is often very hard to be aware of both hands at the same time. We tend to focus upon one or the other, upon our connection or our independence. However, it is possible to feel both at the same time without feeling a conflict – true intimacy is not denied by autonomy, it is in fact made possible by it.
Left hand and right must work together, and must want to. Opposites do attract after all, although there will be times that they repel. What had once been cute and was attractive enough to catch the fancy will later, sometimes, become annoying. This only happens when fascination becomes resistance, and we confuse our commitment with an obligation – something we have to do, rather than something we want to do.
Keeping a truly caring relationship in mind requires conversations rather than debates and campaigns – listening rather than interrupting, and hearing as well as speaking. Because pros and cons need full discussions everything should be explored together, viewed from every side as you walk about it together, hand in hand. To get to an agreement – so that you can go forward again together – you must grow enough to learn something you never knew before. Never lose the original delight of discovering something new about one another, and therefore about yourself. Marriage is to be handled like the good tool it is – take good care of it, and use it wisely and well.
Jim Shere is a psychotherapist who lives and practices in Glen Ellen. He is also the executive director of the Glen Ellen Historical Society and a writer and poet. You are invited to explore his website at jimshere.com.
Email: jshere@sonic.net
