Kenwood Press


Serving the communities of Kenwood, Glen Ellen and Oakmont

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Classifieds: 04/15/2020

Classifieds? April Fools revisited



On April Fools Day this year it was hard to find something to poke fun at. If you miss the old days of hunting for the fake classifieds, here are a few from our archives:

2012

ELEPHANT RIDES

Take a tour of the vineyards & local wineries on Patsy the elephant, Sonoma Valley's latest attraction. Kid friendly. Can ride up to three. Call Animal Trainer Lirpa Loof, 555-5155.

WINERY FOR SALE

“The romance of the vine.” Turn your large fortune into a small fortune. Call Real Estate Agent Lirpa Loof, 555-5155.

2014

ART LESSONS

Local Burning Man artist Pheefer Diablo now offering classes focusing on the mediums of cold cereal adhesion and brick blowing. $100 fee includes Lucky Charms, Kix, and Cap'n Crunch. Limited bricks available. Reserve your spot, 555-1234.

FOR SALE

Puppies - New breed mixing Schipperkes and Shih Tzus. You can now have your own Schippershihtz! Loving family dog, hyper-hypoallergenic, loyal, great spider catchers. $750 each. Call 555-1234.

SEEKING PARTNER

For time travel experiment. Must have own telephone booth or DeLorean. Call 555-1234. Code word is “pickles.”

2015

COLLECTIBLES

Valuable Yakov Smirnoff memorabilia. Special figurine set of beloved comedian known for killer Gorbachev and Yeltsin impressions, and hilarious one-man send-up of Crime & Punishment. For right price, will also throw in rare Carrot Top shot glasses. Best offer, no rubles. 555-2301.

DROUGHT RELIEF

Drought got you down in the dumps? Box O'Rain is 100 percent guaranteed to cheer you up. Just place Box O'Rain in your front or back yard, turn on some music (Grateful Dead recommended), have a glass of wine or something, and you'll be feeling better in no time! $29.99 or $45 for two Box O'Rains. 800-555-1100.

SEEKING RELATIVES

Estate of Leonard Nimoy seeking potential heirs who reportedly may be living in Glen Ellen/Kenwood area. Possibly in wine industry, potentially with pointy ears and telepathic powers. Contact law firm handling the estate - James, Tiberius & Kirk, 202-555-1000.

2016

ARTISAN PUDDING

Sonoma County handcrafted, small batch, limited edition, custom-made, artisanal puddings. Created by artisans trained in the ways of ancient Whahoo pudding masters. Simmered over a six-month period with hand-foraged local organic ingredients, the result is a sumptuous fusion of old and new world flavors. Try the artisan Heirloom Sonoma Pudding Flight. Add some limited batch massaged kale on top and you know you have arrived. Entire Sonoma County Pudding product menu available at www. DidIMentionItWasHandcrafted.org.

HELP WANTED

Kenwoodians for Trump looking to staff local office. Must have medium to large sized hands, a good right hook, and plenty of money. Wide vocabulary not necessary, but must know how to use “loser”, “huge”, “lyin' Ted” and “you're fired” in a variety of campaign situations. Call 555-1212 or send resume to tinyhands@donaldjtrump.com.

LOST

Sense of humor - fell out of backpack somewhere along the campaign trail between Iowa and New Hampshire. Small and dark to begin with, has probably shriveled up to about walnut size if left exposed to media, but retains sentimental value to owner. If found, please contact Jay at the Kenwood Press.

NAKED SECURITY SERVICES

Got a vacation/second home? Looking for a home security system that is guaranteed to scare away just about anyone? Try Naked Security! We send a nude man to not only live in your home, but parade in front of picture windows and walk around the yard. Puts on clothes and moves out when you visit. Call 555-1100 or go to nakedsecurityman.com.

SAVE A TRIP TO JAIL

Tired of parking your car in Kenwood or Glen Ellen for over five minutes, only to have a local resident report it to the sheriff as a “Suspicious Vehicle?” Weary of explaining to deputies that you were merely on your cell phone or taking a break? The “NOT A SUSPICIOUS VEHICLE” portable neon sign puts all doubts to rest. Plugs into your cigarette lighter and sits on the roof of your car. Only $199.99. Go to www. DontMindMeOfficer.com.

USED VAN LOOKING FOR GOOD OWNER.

Slightly used Chrysler Mini-Van. Only 475,000 miles. Many voyages to Burning Man, Coachella, South by Southwest, Austin City Limits, the entire 1995 Grateful Dead tour, and numerous trips to Tijuana. If this van could talk! Two of the four windows work perfectly. Must like permanent smell of hemp. Half of back bumper missing (great story). Custom additions include bandana covered upholstery and personally installed sun roof. If driving is an adventure, you need this van!!! Call 555-3333.

2017

BAZOOKA PUB & FIRING RANGE

What's better than beer and bullets? Not a thing! Bazooka Pub & Firing Range offers a unique Wine Country experience. Have a few rounds with your friends, and then fire off a few rounds in our cork-lined, sound-proof cave and gun range, located in hillside behind pub. Opens April 1. Hours: 6 a.m.-2a.m. daily.

DOG SPA

Wine Country Labrador Spa - Grand Opening April 1st! Spa attendants, all questionably trained but extremely personable Labrador retrievers, will help you relax, rejuvenate and beautify your inner and outer self. Choose from the exfoliating peanut butter facial masque tongue scrub; wet-dog warm body wrap and mud bath; or 3.5-hour full body massage (four paws are better than two hands!) www.mustlovedogs.com.

HISTORY BOOKS FOR SALE

Rare local history books recently discovered in family estate. Pickleball Wars of the 21st Century chronicles memorable conflicts involving the introduction of pickleball in senior communities. Astute psychological insights into how communities collectively lose all sense of perspective and decorum. Famous Event Centers of Sonoma Valley is a beautiful coffee table book about the 1,968 event centers in Sonoma Valley. Introduction by the county's Permit and Resource Manglement Department. Special volume signed by the Board of Supervisors. Call 1-800- 555-1213.

NEW KP LICENSE PLATE HOLDERS

Special “past tense” “I read the Kenwood Press” license plate holders now available. Put your “I read the Kenwood Press” license plate holder on the front of your car, and your “I read the Kenwood Press” license plate holder on the back. Impress your friends with your knowledge of tenses and grammar. Free. Drop by the Kenwood Press to pick up your set today.

LIMO DRIVERS WANTED

Best Limo Ever Company (BLEC) will be holding limo driver tryouts in Kenwood on April 1st. Tryout involves an obstacle course of tipsy tourists, bicyclists, tour buses, puppies, and young children. Drive the out-of-town bride and groom from their wine country wedding to the airport shuttle on time and with least amount of damage to limo. Must have valid CA driver's license. Info: BLEC@blec.com.

2018

AFFORDABLE HOME FOR SALE

Beautiful, newly-remodeled 3 BD/2.5 BA house with landscaped backyard and in-ground pool. Walk to schools, shops, office. $200,000. There's only one catch - it's in Little Rock, Arkansas. If still interested, call 555-1122.

BARTENDING LESSONS

New bartending school opening in Kenwood. Learn to make the latest artisan cocktails that are sweeping the nation, including the Dark & Stormy Daniels and the Moscow Minion. Enroll today, 555-1234.

COFFEE TABLE BOOK

“The Best of Crime Watch.” Revisit such classics as, “Yes, officer, I do have drugs in the glove compartment,” “There's something gross in my pool,” and “You can't arrest me. I'm the president of Mexico!” Includes all the usual suspects - suspicious vehicles, drunken brawls and rattlesnakes under the deck. Sleek coffee table format or audio book narrated by Sonoma County Sheriff. Call 555-5155 today!

HELP WANTED

Local news organization hiring fact checkers, alternative fact checkers, and truthiness compliance monitors. Inexperience a plus. Call 555-5155. Ask for Jay.

OFF-BROADWAY TICKETS

Can't afford to see Hamilton? Check out Mnuchin, the Musical, the inspiring story of a wealthy Yale graduate, Goldman Sachs employee and hedge fund manager who improbably becomes Secretary of the Treasury. Good seats still available. www.mnuchinthemusical.com.

2019

CHILD REARING

Tired of kids staring at the phone during dinner, at school, or just about anywhere? Download the Taze Me Bro app on all your devices, connect to your kids' phones, and you can give them a surprisingly powerful jolt anywhere, anytime. Current can be adjusted depending on child's age and weight. www.taze-me-bro.com.

PLATINUM PRESCHOOL ADVISORS

We get your little one into the best preschools money can buy, setting them on the path to social and financial success for the rest of their lives - guaranteed! Just upload a head shot suitable for cropping onto tap-dancing toddlers or tennis-playing tots, plus payment of $100,000 to www.itsnotcheatingifitworks.com.

FOR SALE

CHAMPAGNE JACUZZI- The latest in high-end fixtures, this bubbling hot tub filled with actual bubbly is a must after a long day of shopping, lunching, and checking your Instagram feed. Don't swirl your wine - let it swirl you! www.money_no_object.com.

No More Nosy Neighbors! Tired of your neighbors calling the Sheriff about your noisy, rude vacation rental guests? You need the CONE OF SILENCE, a Plexiglas dome that covers your entire property. Problem solved! Available in 1-, 2-, and 5-acre lot sizes. Call 555-2200.

GOAT MINDER

Got goats? I'm available from dusk to dawn to watch over your pet livestock. Will hang out on perimeter of fencing or in nearby creek, ready to jump at the drop of a hat, I just love those little critters so much! www.lion-in-wait.com.

HELP WANTED

Kenwood felines need experts to give lessons to owners in cat etiquette. Topics include: no outdoors on cold days; no over-cuddling; no weird hairball medicine; no scratching in the place we don't like; provide couch, bed, or lap whenever we choose. Will pay with kibble. Apply at www.cat_power.com.

MISSING

The Sonoma Valley Traffic Study is missing and concerned citizens are worried that it has been sucked into a bureaucratic vortex. Last seen in a bottom drawer at the county transportation department. Time is crucial. If you see something, say something! Call the tip line: 888-555-8787.

WANTED

God. Looking for God to help with everyday chores, fears, phobias, anxieties, happiness, love, relationships, poker acumen, and stock portfolio. Must be good with animals, have a positive attitude, sunny personality, and be willing to do laundry. Call 888-OMG-5555.


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